Pillow Talk

Erotic Tales

#4 What Makes for Great Sex??

I am going to be honest here. A great sexual, memorable experience, has little to do with the size of the dick or the quality of the technique mastered. I have had great orgasm from less than memorable experiences. Some of the most memorable and great experiences had no “big O”.
Sure the pursuit of the orgasm is a part of things – and when INCLUDED with what I will describe below – you have the most mind boggling, awesome, got it all experience.  But on it’s own, it does not make for GREAT sex.  After all, I can give myself an orgasm in 2 min flat.
I could tell you what technique works for me – but another woman may be totally different.  I love a combination of anal, clit and vaginal (doggy is best for this) stimulation …. but some woman hate anal, or don’t need clitoral. It’s a case by case. 
So then what makes for great sex? it’s actually a really wonderful and great question isn’t it?
Well here goes!
#1 Vulnerability and surrender.
#2 Being present and focused, being fully alive and plugged in.
#3 Being in sync.
#4 Fun! exploration, daring to share our inner most sexual desires without fear of rejection.
#5 Reading body language.  It’s not just about touching  – it’s about feeling the body language.
#6 Bliss! The only way to explain this is comparing it to having your soul made love to not just your body. It brings you to a place of aliveness that’s beyond.
#7 Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
# 8 Be genuine.  Allow yourself to be emotionally naked, not just physically.
#9 Take your time to connect don’t rush it – bring romance into it. The best experiences started hours before and out of bed. Flirt all day, fuck my mind first… work up to it. (…and for me can the cheese … flowers, chocolates and candles? there’s so much more out there! don’t take the easy way out! show your creativity!)
#10 Cliche perhaps but an intense emotional connection  (love). Depth of connection between partners is critical regardless of the duration of the relationship.


  1. #11 Don’t forget the nuts. Bring’em in and make them part of the experience.

    Comment by abufares | July 5, 2009 | Reply

    • Oh the inside joke here is just too funny …
      Thank you Abufares!
      But seriously …..

      Comment by Fantasia | July 5, 2009 | Reply

  2. Is the question “great sex” or great “love affair”?
    To me, not the same thing!
    To me the 10# above should (probably) make for a lovely love affair…(although not for all,wouldn’t work for Sade!) but great sex???Mmmmm?
    Great sex for those who love “playing”!
    Some are turned off by playing!
    It has been known to be the greatest experience, exactly when all the above are absent!
    Quick, volcano like, nothing before, nothing after, total unknown, no involvment! Extraordinnary!
    Extraordinary sex – not extraordinary relationship, of course!
    Some would say that the relationship hinders the pleasure!
    There is nos such thing as “Sex” only people having sex!

    Comment by Hypatie | July 5, 2009 | Reply

    • Hypathie you are back!!! and always a pleasure – oh how you make me think!! I agree “sexual preferences” are unique! Someone I know said: “give me quick sex in an elevator with a stranger any day – now THAT is great sex!” but for me, no connection = no trust = no opening up= no great sex. If I don’t open up then it’s just fucking and usually leaves me feeling empty maybe even used.

      So to answer your question if there is no great love affair it can’t be great sex – to me (and maybe not only me!) the two are the same question! But to your point, another reader just told me “offline” that, for her, sex outside of a relationship makes her feel more free, since there is no relationship to “care for” and so she can be who/what she wants and be utterly selfish – sex without compromise is great sex for her.

      There are going to be as many recipes for great sex as there are people. Perhaps that is the point!! that we need to let go of the concept of one size fits all.

      Comment by Fantasia | July 5, 2009 | Reply

  3. Great sex in my personal opinion is connected with love, when you give yourself to someone without worries or reserve.

    But talking about action: I love when he writes me hot texts from work, making me think of him and sex all day long. And when I get home I see he prepared everything for a great relaxing love night: a nice supper, a warm bath with some petals and candle lights. A great oral, such as the one only he can master, making me scream and shiver. Also dirty talk! And I love the feeling I get when I look at his eyes and see the way I turn him on and the feeling of becoming one.

    So in my opinion a great sex has a foreplay, a play and an afterplay. Who doesn´t like cuddles after sex? or to hear how amazing it was? or how much he loves you? and feel his arms around your wet body? I do!

    My man and I have a great connection, we are always trying new things and our communication – That´s smashing! – which contributes to an amazing sex life. The feeling we complete eachother, that my body needs his body and warmth and vice versa!

    Comment by letstalktoday | July 5, 2009 | Reply

    • You and I are very similar it would seem! Yet, we differ in one area, for me things like candles and bubble baths don’t add. Perhaps it’s because they are such a part of my day to day that it’s not foreplay anymore. I don’t know. Cards from hallmark, flowers and chocolates seem so easy to me. A cop out. But a sexy txt? A surprise visit to the adult fun superstore? A note left in my bag? A phone call full of innuendo’s? a sexy pair of shoes in a gorgeous box between the legs of sexiness himself? Oh yes …. now we are talking! Thanks SO much for launching this conversation on your blog!

      Comment by Fantasia | July 5, 2009 | Reply

  4. Great question, confusing topic. As you know sex is one of our most basic instincts next to survival and so different for everyone. Having great sex to us means doing and asking for what you like and not feeling like you will be judged for your request, having a great orgasm is always good and for a guy, making your girl squirt (big O) inflates your ego like nothing else. Trying to pin down the recipe for great sex is like trying to solve the mysteries of the world. Trying to find what works for you is the ultimate quest… besos!

    Comment by Latin Rider | July 5, 2009 | Reply

  5. Oh, number 3! All of the other things you’ve mentioned don’t work unless you’re in sync. You can love someone, but if it’s unrequited, the sex don’t work. You can try to have fun but unless you’re both in that kind of mood, the fun will fizzle. And of course, if you’re not in sync, the body language won’t be there. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, being in sync is a pre-requisite for great sex… and if you are, the details of how you do it doesn’t matter, because you’ll both be doing it how, when, why, (and of course with who) you both want.

    Comment by eroticnoah | July 6, 2009 | Reply

  6. Fantasia,

    I love your list for what makes great sex, for me communication is key, so that both parties are able to express their wants and needs.

    A lover can turn me on just by using their voice in a seductive tone.

    **I really like your new blog layout:)

    Comment by pashun | July 6, 2009 | Reply

    • Pashun thank you! I like the new look to and I agree communication is key. It’s funny to read what resonates with different people on this. Thank you for tkign the time to drop in!

      Comment by Fantasia | July 6, 2009 | Reply

  7. With permission from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous:

    That IS a HUGE question! There is no such thing as sex! It is a different thing for each person every time! It can even sometimes be vaguely related to love as it gives us an “Idea” of the absolute! However, orgasm has always been called “la petite mort” (the little death). Of course you know that sex is behind all the most abominable crimes that humanity has dreamt up! (along with power, and money)

    Sex IS life and therefore IS death! so it depends on the onlooker, or the lover! It can be sensual enjoyment (joy) it can be domination and destruction, humiliation etc… It can be a bond and a slavery…It can be different things at different times with different partners!

    So sex is nothing, in and of itself, it is what one makes it! So with that – what makes it great is equally what one makes it.

    Comment by Fantasia Lillith | July 8, 2009 | Reply

  8. Sex and sensuality…the mind, the body (all of the body), the relishing and ravishing of the moment and not just the persuit of the end…I really enjoy your writings, darlin’.

    Comment by rogerdemented | July 24, 2009 | Reply

    • Enjoyment is the desired persuit not the O …. agreed.

      Comment by Fantasia Lillith | July 25, 2009 | Reply

  9. I think that No. 8 is the hardest. If accomplished, the rest will be easy and natural.

    Comment by Mohaly | August 12, 2009 | Reply

    • Welcome Mohaly!

      i agree …. but then anything worth anything is worth the effort . As you say on your own blog why is it so difficult to be yourself? After all, if you aren’t with your loved one then …. when?

      Comment by Fantasia Lillith | August 12, 2009 | Reply

  10. great sex is want each other without restraint. each longing with overwhelming desire to meld with the other and not afraid to share those desires for self or other pleasure.

    Comment by rogerdemented | August 16, 2009 | Reply

    • It’s the “loosing” that is tough … it means trust.

      Comment by Fantasia Lillith | August 17, 2009 | Reply

  11. Hey Fantasia, I´m back from holidays and trying to catch up with your new posts hehe. I got a question, dear. I have a long distance relationship (Dunno if I told you about it already)… and I really mean Long distance – me in England, he in Vancouver, far too faraway huh? Well my creativity is slowing down, my friend. Maybe you could gimme some advices or new ideas about how to spice up things being so faraway! I´m looking forward to hearing from you soon 🙂 and Thanks in advance

    Comment by letstalktoday | September 2, 2009 | Reply

    • I might be able to help out.
      That is a long distance … wow. Best of luck. I hate statistics so I won’t toss those at you. After all – there are always exceptions.
      E-mail me at fantasia.lillith@gmail.com and we can “chat” about ideas. Maybe create a post in the process!
      By the way – I’d love to interview you for my Blog Community Pages (don’t know if you noticed that addition to Pillow talk). Let me know!

      Comment by Fantasia Lillith | September 2, 2009 | Reply

  12. Thanks Fantasia for sharing your list. Of course, the biggest sex organ is our brain. If we as adults, grown and sexy men and women, communicate to each other openly and honestly about what we desire and want sexually then we are on the road to “Great Sex.”

    Peace & Love,

    Comment by John | September 14, 2009 | Reply

    • Agreed John. It’s why I always say that the best foreplay are the words spoken during the day. Thank you for stopping in and commenting … So many visit, so few say anything. Thank you for having a voice.

      Comment by Fantasia Lillith | September 15, 2009 | Reply

  13. WOW….different strokes for different folks.


    Comment by cherokeebydesign | October 9, 2009 | Reply

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